Floods causing thousands to flee their homes in South Kalimantan, an intense earthquake destroying houses and killing people in West Sulawesi, signs of intensified volcanic activity were seen on Semeru, and the COVID-19 pandemic is surging—not ending.
I didn't have road maps for navigating my reactions to the news. I was unable to keep up, my brain over-expanded and ran out of space. When you are exposed to too much at once you'd rather absorb less. You become desensitized. Like a leak that overflows rapidly from a bucket full of water.
My instinct told me to shut myself down from external chaos; I might have read the news but they just went through me without leaving a trace. A coping mechanism so they wouldn’t have an impact on me—so my head wouldn't explode into chunks. It was so chaotic that I didn’t know what to believe or where to start. For a person who tends to get excited easily, it was surprising that nothing could grab my attention. Nothing of great magnitude interested me. I experienced an on and off imagining of my work when I was not at work. On other occasions, I experienced fluctuating echoes of daydreaming about arbitrary musings when I was at work.
Staring at my screen and having nothing to write or do. Watching a movie and feeling no emotional attachment. Reading a book and comprehending no single sentence. Scrolling down my IG feed and finding nothing. I felt empty and emotionally numb. I felt uninspired and unmotivated. Everything that revolved around me was a contributing factor to my failure to think clearly.
I’m currently reading a book called “Longing for Less” by Kyle Chayka. This book is actually a critique as opposed to an addition to the buzzing trend of the new minimalism (e.g Marie Kondo and other "less is more" minimalist gurus). He mentions part of the reason why minimalism as a trend—and as a luxurious way of living—is so popular nowadays is because we are conditioned to always wanting to consume more. We are hoarders of unessential things. So we are left with longing for less. Maybe one of the reasons why I shut down from all the hustle and bustle was because I was longing for less too. Nevertheless, Chayka argues that the new minimalism might seem anti-capitalist, but in the end it is another form of commodification. Throw away those that don't spark joy, have less, and eventually consume more luxurious, minimalist products. He mentions that Marie Kondo successfully sells luxury Kondo boxes and certification classes for those who'd like to adopt her lifestyle.
It took me long enough until I admitted the fact that life might not always be stable. It is a cycle of order and disorder, conflict and reconciliation, happiness and sadness. Yes, we’ve known this for ages, but sometimes denial plays a stronger coercion to sway us from realizing it. Repelling this force as something outside of me instead of admitting that it could very well happen to me was a stairway to feeling uninspired and exhausted.
Chayka says that minimalism "is not about consuming the right things or throwing out the wrong; it’s about challenging your deepest beliefs in an attempt to engage with things as they are, to not shy away from reality or its lack of answers."
Maybe, the same goes for accepting one's current condition too. How do I go about trying to understand my condition if I deny the very existence of it. To solve a problem I need to be honest with myself and admit that I have one. And so I told myself, "alright, the key is to give in to discouragement and let go. At least for a while."
External forces indeed play a big part in cluttering my mind to find solace and clarity within uncertain times. But something inherent in me is also responsible for my actions. Sometimes it is not about being uninspired. Sometimes it is that fear of starting it. I’m not quite sure if it is the fear of not knowing what to write or how to write it. It is the stress that inhibits me to let everything out there in the open. Sometimes if I put less stress on my shoulders, like showering and staring at the wall, ideas spontaneously flourish. Other times, it is the laziness crawling up to me uninvitedly like an invisible disease that slowly consumes me without warning. Sometimes it is not finding a way to creativity, but piling up the willingness to break free from that sloth-like mindset. I'm still in the process of not using "taking it one at a time" as an excuse of being disinclined to start.
Avoiding idleness is so hard, and self-isolation exacerbates that. It’s that same feeling whenever I want to work out. Sometimes the weather tells me to just be a cocoon and stay in bed. But once I'm out there, I always have the urge to finish it even at times when I lack the energy to keep going. 😂
Neil Gaiman in his Masterclass says "you can fix dialogue that isn't quite there. You can fix the beginning of something. But you cannot fix nothingness, so you have to be brave. You have to just start."
Very well said, sir. Sometimes it is the nuances of seeing a mundane narrative/object and turning it around slightly to have a fresh perspective. Sometimes you just need to overcome your fear of not having the answers, or simply your laziness, and just start. I did by writing this jibber-jabber.
❤
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